Work Daze

Hate to tell you, but this time, they’ve really got us. After all the management tortures and humiliations we’ve had to suffer, lo, these many years, this is just about the worst degradation we’ve experienced. But it must be true, because I read about it in The Wall Street Journal.

Believe it or not, our bosses have started giving raises based on performance.

It’s bad enough we have to come into the office every day and even spend time pretending to be working. Now they actually want us to accomplish something.

Yet, it’s true.

“Employers increasingly are dolling out money based on performance,” the Journal reports. “Instead of giving across-the-board raises that were more common back in the 1990s. This year, for instance, bonuses will account for 11% of payroll…up from only 4% in 1999.”

Forgetting for a moment that you probably didn’t even know that your firm gave out bonuses, it is unsettling to learn that you will have work to get one. This isn’t like the old system when you knew that if you could survive on your job for twenty, thirty or fifty years, you’d eventually get your hands on some of those fat paychecks the fat cats get. But if promotion is based on being good at your job, instead of the more basic skills, like schmoozing and butt kissing and being invisible, there’s simply no hope.

There are a number of reasons that bonuses are going up while salaries are going nowhere. Managers are being pressured to keep employment costs down. At the same time, a tight job market is making it more difficult to retain the their most productive employees. By scrimping on thee and me, managers can keep the “top performers,” which, in turn, makes them top performers in their boss’s beady little eyes. In other words, by squeezing you, the boss gets a seat on the gravy train, while you get to eat Gravy Train.

Clearly, this is a situation we cannot stand by, or sit by, or sleep by, either. Why, the entire company could soon be populated solely with over-achieving, under-enjoyable performance drones, making work even less fun than it already is.

Fortunately, the compensation experts who have pinpointed the bonus trend also have professional suggestions on how we can get our share of those delicious dollars. I say you give them a try. After all, you’ve already lost your raise; what else do you have to lose?

• Promote thyself.

“You have to promote yourself,” says a career coach from Reston, Virginia. “Bosses can’t know everything. Employees should keep a dairy of accomplishments and talk up the most impressive ones.”

For you, a whole diary may not be necessary. With your accomplishments, a tiny Post-It will be more than adequate. But that doesn’t mean you have nothing to promote. For example, if you actually pulled it off, let your boss know that you got out of bed last Monday morning. Of course, if you showed up for work that morning in your PJ’s, that might not be viewed as a major accomplishment, unless you really look cute in your PJ’s.

• Get creative.

Since real cash money might be tight in your company, think of alternative perks and benefits that you would enjoy. How about an extra weekend off? Or, if you’ve got a really good performance story, how about getting the boss to agree to let you work only 80 hours a week? In terms of perks, how about asking for a ride in the boss’s Jaguar? Maybe he’ll even let you sit on his lap and blow the horn!

• Don’t wait.

According to the experts, your raise or bonus will be decided upon well before you actually have a toe-to-toe meeting with the boss. Therefore, don’t wait until your annual review to remind the Mr. and Ms. ADHD just how productive you are. In fact, why not call them at home at, oh, 4 AM when they’re not busy, and then follow up at, say, 7 PM and 7:30 PM and 8 PM, and every half hour until midnight. These reminders may seem a little overdone, but trust me, the boss will appreciate your understanding of how much they have on their minds, and you can be certain that your bonus will be a big surprise.

Personally, I think the whole performance business is misguided. For example, your boss probably thinks you like her. Now that’s what I call a great performance.