Work Daze

So, shoot me. It’s halfway through summer and I’m only now getting around to Spring Cleaning my electronic mailbox.

It’s a wonderful feeling to dust the cobwebs off the stack of electrons that are cluttering your computer, reading with sentimental joy the nasty collection notices and urgent email assignments that you have ignored for months and even years. Sure, it’s a little sad to be reminded of all the important meetings you have missed, and the urgent conference calls you have ignored, but opening your computer every workday morning and seeing an email box absolutely free of communication helps you remember your career goal of getting paid as much as possible for doing as little as possible.

As they say in the MasterCard commercials, the joy of being a well-paid slacker is simply priceless.

Despite my best intentions to do the worst job possible, I must admit I sometimes do feel a tad guilty over the emails I have ignored. In my role as the leading – and only – workplace humor columnist, I am often pinged by mad-dog public relations professionals beseeching me to honor their clients in print.

Like David Reeves of Reeves PR who emailed me in the hopes that I would sing the praises of his client, the Cutco Corporation. Of course, you’ve heard of Cutco, “the largest kitchen cutlery manufacturer in the US.” Hardly a day goes by in my office when talk around the water cooler doesn’t turn to the latest new Cutco product to hit the market. [I’ll never forget 2002 when the entire company was abuzz with news of Cutco’s introduction of an Ice Cream Scoop, a Cheese Knife and Bird's Beak Paring Knife. Talk about excitement!]

The reason I was chosen to get a peek into the inner-workings of the glamorous cutlery industry was Cutco’s unique marketing technique, which involves hiring college students to knock on doors all across America, hawking their wares in the tradition of the Fuller Brush and Mary Kay.

“Many job candidates turn their noses up to learning the basics of sales,” the Cutco press release breathlessly reports. “They don’t want to spend a career making cold calls, selling insurance, or going door-to-door.”

This is undoubtedly true, though putting in four or five decades riding a desk through the cube farm is no party, either. The folks at Cutco do have a point when they point out that selling is an important business skill, whether the item you are selling is a kitchen knife, a nuclear generator, or the flimsy fantasy you call your resume.

“This is an important topic,” PR man Reeves concludes, “one that would be of interest to your readers,” I’m not so sure, though I personally believe that if I were in a position to hire, I would definitely consider a Cutco graduate. I’ve seen what college students look like today, and any college student with his body covered with tattoos and piercings who can arrive at a housewife’s door with a sales case full of razor-sharp kitchen knives and not get himself arrested can probably survive quite well in corporate America.

Another email that I gleefully deleted was from Rob Skinner of Schwartz PR. Rob’s client is JobKite.com and the reason he was writing was the gauge my interest in “Bring Your Pet To Work Week.” Alas, Rob neglected to tell me the exact date of this grand event, nor could I find the date after 30-seconds of intense web research.

Whenever you choose to celebrate this strange holiday, please include me out. It’s bad enough that people have to go to work. Why a pet lover would subject their poor dog, cat, or Gila Monster to the harsh environment of the workplace is beyond me. Plus, having a cute kitty or an adorable Afghan lashed to your desk is a totally bad career move for you.

Let’s face it: you’re not getting paid for the work you do or your general brilliance. You were hired because you are so cute and adorable. The pet in your family is you, bub, and no matter how good you are at heeling when you follow the boss around, and slobbering affectionately when he or she begins blathering about their business philosophy, you’re never going to compete with a cute cocker spaniel.

Bottom line: if a co-worker suggests you celebrate “Bring Your Pet To Work Day,” just start barking. If anyone at your workplace is going to get a doggy treat, it’s should be you.