Work Daze

It’s that time of the year again: bees are buzzing, flowers are flowering, and our mailboxes are full of sizzling summer catalogs. I know that with your advanced fashion sense, you are probably focused on the high-style offerings of Lands End and J. Crew, but for me, the one catalog that says summer best is the 357-page, four-color extravaganza from ULINE Shipping Supply Specialists of Waukegan, Illinois.

I don’t know what I’ve done to put myself on the ULINE mailing list, but then again, I don’t why Abercrombie & Fitch sends a quarterly catalog to a man who can clear a beach simply by appearing in his Speedo. Certainly, it is not my job description that makes me a likely candidate to buy miles of stretch wrap, or pallets stacked high with 2 mil industrial poly bags, or the pallets themselves, for that matter, available this season in hardwood, pressed wood, or durable, thermafoam plastic.

The people who make those kinds of critical buying decisions have real jobs, and get very aggravated when a doofus like me gets involved. [Though I really don’t think it’s such a crime to suggest the blue rackable pallets, which are more costly, but do go so well with my eyes.]

What struck me so forcefully in this season’s “dream book” was how these so-called industrial supplies could accelerate the career path of white-collar workers like thee and me. For example:

Hazardous Waste Labels, 500 for $29.00

Looking for an effective way to rid your cube of management pests? Simply plaster the walls of your space with these scary-looking, nuclear skull and crossbones labels declaring the area a “BIOHAZARD.” Or choose the crossed-out fish icon for “MARINE POLLUTANT.” Nothing like the threat of contaminated sea sludge on their Ferragamos to make a Senior VP cut and run.

Medium Packing Boxes, $2.03 each in quantities of 500

Know how a vampire reacts to the sight of a cross? Nothing puts the fear of firing in the heart of a working stiff than a stack of cardboard boxes piled up outside their workspace. Pick the co-workers and managers you hate most; come in early, and distribute your 500 boxes. Chances are, half of them will just turn around and leave without ever questioning the layoff, and you’ll be left—master of all the empty offices you survey.

Expandable portable conveyors, 6-24 feet $1,799 each

Admittedly, a 24-foot, rolling, steel assembly line is a high-ticket item, but think of the many uses you’ll have for this highly desirable office accessory. Set it up outside your cubical to highlight all the work that passes through your workstation. At 5 PM, move it to the executive parking lot to relieve busy managers of the stressful task of walking to their BMWs. Use it in the warehouse at midnight to roll cases of paper clips and rubber bands from the office supply inventory to your trunk. With the prices you can get from selling cases of spring clips on eBay, your conveyor will pay for itself in a matter of weeks.

Polypropylene Bouffant Hairnet, 200 for $9.50

Say arrivederci to Armani and good-bye to Gucci. Here’s a fashion statement guaranteed to whisk you into the executive suite. These handsome hairnets demonstrate your seriousness of purpose, especially when combined with a beard hairnet (100 for $6.95), water-resistant shoe covers (150 pairs for $45), and a pleated surgical mask (50 for $10). Let your managers know that you, too, believe you’re too good to breath the same air as your co-workers. They’ll welcome you into mahogany Row with open arms—and respirators (2 for $9).

Though I’ve run out of space here, I’ve barely scratched the surface of the advancement opportunities available on every page of the ULINE catalog. For example, where do you think your facilities people get the name plates for office doors, and how difficult do you think it would be to make one for yourself as Executive Vice President for Advanced Visioning. And why not treat yourself to an order of those cool plastic convention badges (50 for $27 in quantities of 500.) Think how intimidated your co-workers will be when you start complaining about constantly traveling to high-powered events, or how easy it will be explain your absence from the office for three weeks at Christmas to attend the International Conference on Somnambulism in Cabo San Lucas.

Ready to order? Simply call Uline at 1-800-295-5510. Tell them Bob sent you.