Work Daze

No one sent me candy or flower this Mother’s Day, but I did get a gift—a front-page, cover story article in USA Today on the burning question of our day, “Do Moms Make Better Managers?”

The answer is a definite “maybe,” results that depend mainly on who you ask. A significant majority of employees believe that mothers do make better bosses, a Mom’s experience with raising children providing unique insights into the stresses of the workplace. A significant majority of employers have quite the opposite reaction. Employers, surprisingly enough, do not highly value the sympathetic, empathetic mom-type manager, but would prefer to promote people with other skills, like the ability to work 16 hours a day, even if it means leaving their children in the care of wolves.

Another disappointing, but less-than-surprising revelation about manager Moms is revealed in a study from Cornell University, where sociologist Shelley Correll was able to quantify the infamous “motherhood penalty.” By submitting paired resumes for the same job—the resumes identical except for the inclusion of membership in the Parent-Teachers Association in one—Cornell's Correll found that women active in the PTA were 44% less likely to be hired. On the other hand, the job was for “marketing director of a communications company,” and the hiring manager was probably taken aback that any of the candidates could spell PTA.

Clearly, if you are a Mom who wants to be a manager, or a manager who wants to be a Mom, there will be certain hurdles you must jump. Here are my suggestions for what to do when your Lamaze breathing techniques aren’t working, and your vice presidents refuse to sit quietly in he corner when you give them a time out.

1. Juggling and Rejiggering

The major knock against manager Moms is their tendency to leave the job for trivial domestic duties, like driving their offspring to their heart-transplant operations. [A Dad, of course, with his priorities in place, would reschedule the transplant to a more convenient time, like during lunch hour, or on a weekend, unless it’s during NASCAR season.]

On the positive side, Moms have a great opportunity to prove their commitment to their jobs. Simply sneak the kids into the office and turn them lose at the daily staff meeting. Train your ankle-biters to run, screaming and sniveling, to Mommy dearest, clutching at your knees and bawling, “Mommy, Mommy, please come home. We never see you because you’re always working.”

After a charade like this, the kids will need years of therapy, but when you’re promoted to a manager’s position, you’ll be able to afford it.

2. Sisterhood Stinks

According to the article, the employers who are least likely to promote women with children are women without children. The psychology behind this twisted sisterhood is obvious, but there is an easy work-around to get around this anti-Mom prejudice. All you need do is pack up your most obstreperous offspring and leave him or her on your boss’s front door. A few precious moments with your darling monster should convince even the most hard-hearted executive witch that you can handle the toughest assignments, like re-orging the sales department, or convincing Junior to brush his teeth.

3. Mean to Be Mean

While manager Moms do get credit for being extra patient with employees who misbehave, they also can get dinged for being too soft with underperformers. Let your employer know that you are capable of being a mean Mom when the situation calls for it. When your naughty direct-reports act up, don’t be afraid to ground them, even if they are vice presidents and it is the day of the office party. If an infraction is sufficiently severe, corporal punishment may be required. Nothing motivates a sales manager who fails to make his quota than a good spanking, especially when delivered in front of the entire sales team.

If none of these gambits work, there’s always a Plan B. Quit your job and become a stay-at-home Mom. According to The Wall Street Journal, the comparative annual cost of hiring professionals to perform the ten basic duties of the average Mom, a list which includes housekeeper, day-care center teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry-machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, CEO and psychologist, is $134,121 and that doesn’t include overtime or combat pay. Come to think of it, maybe quitting your day job isn’t such a good idea. For a working Mom, managing a bunch of unruly vice presidents is clearly a vacation.