Work Daze

Question for you—would it change your opinion of this column if you learned that I wrote it in the nude?

Whether your response is a thoughtful “Yes,” or an understanding “No,” or simply the natural expression of a hearty gag reflex, the question of my secret life as a clothing-optional columnist is probably not a matter of serious importance in your working life. What may be of more critical import is the rather horrifying news that a significant percentage of the people with whom we interact over the telephone and the Internet are, in fact, stark raving starkers.

According to a survey conducted by a network security provider, SonicWALL, Inc., 12% of all males and 7% of all females who work from home work in the nude. So when you’re waiting endlessly on the phone for a customer service rep, or cued up for an online chat session with a technical support person, remember it does no good to reason with these people. After all, how can you reason with someone who believes that an appropriate work outfit is skin?

If the thought of dealing with a bunch of secret naked people makes you feel squeamish, then you probably are not a member of AANR, the American Association for Nude Recreation. The PR firm for AANR recently pinged me with a breathless email flash on the results of the survey which, curiously, they find to be positive news.

Personally, I would think that the American Association for Nude Recreation would be vehemently opposed to nude workers. After all, it’s one thing to strip down for a friendly game of volleyball or Red Rover, but when it comes to doing serious work, that’s a time for Brooks Brothers and Lands End. Think about the reservation clerks at Southwest Airlines, famous for their work-at-home policy. Before Southwest calls to tell me my flight to Tulsa is delayed and I’m being rerouted through Buenos Aires, I’d like to think that at least they put on a pair of socks.

And what about safety issues! The SonicWall survey of 941 workers was focused mainly on IT professionals, people whose greatest danger is that they would actually solve a user’s problems and put themselves out of business. But what about home workers who don’t deal with Power Macs, but power saws? I don’t mean to be crude about it, but if a nude lumber yard worker gets distracted, more than a telephone call might get cut off.

While the AANR is focused on the glories of working in the nude, the stay-at-home worker finds other positive attributes to virtual employment. Thirty-nine percent of both male and female workers report choosing sweats at their work wardrobe. This strikes me as very sad. Unless you’re an Olympic athlete, deciding to wear sweats is simply saying to the world, “I’m a loser. I give up.”

Following on the loser theme, only 30% of work-at-home men bothered to shower before hitting their desk and only slightly more, 33%, took time to shave. You can imagine for yourself what our at-home work force looks like—a bunch of smelly, hairy, sweated-out house slobs.

Women who work at home have quirks of their own. A full 38% report taking time off from the jobs their bosses give them to handle household chores. How many report damp mopping the family room on their time sheets we’ll never know.

One piece of good news is that 21% of home workers report taking time off for an afternoon nap. No wonder these stay-at-homes are so darn productive. They skip their morning nap!

In conclusion, I must say that I don’t think it’s fair that only remote workers get to work in the nude. We nine-to-five types can skip showers and even wear sweats, but try shedding your clothes at the front door of your workplace and you’ll find yourself running up against an unfortunate wall of prejudice.

It’s crazy, of course. We can be just as productive in our jobs without being in our clothes. Yes, it may be a little distracting to see the office manager jiggle by in the altogether, and certainly, there are medical risks. I refer to the dreaded Aeron Chair butt brand, not to mention the third-degree carpet burns on your knees when begging the big boss for a raise.

But I say, “Go for it.” You may not have to worry about power saws, but do be a little cautious around the shredder.