Work Daze

Just when you thought your job couldn’t get any worse, this happens! Now we not only have to deal with psychotic supervisors and combustible co-workers, but also have to face the possibility we could be struck down by the dreaded bird flu.

Now I am not a physician, but I have not missed one episode of Gray’s Anatomy, and after watching the antics of the young medicos on that program, it’s pretty clear to me that I could have been a doctor if only I was better looking or had a more active sex life.

[I also want to make it clear that I am not being an alarmist, but let’s face facts—the government has kept us in the dark regarding the alien invasion that has taken over key departments in your company. And yes, I’m talking about y-o-u, Ms. HR professional – or should I call you by your real name, Murplex 7.]

Anywho, the bird virus has so far only appeared in far-off lands like China and Indonesia, and until recently, it has pretty much confined to birds. Yet recent news articles report that the virus has also been seen in cats in Austria, which makes a certain amount of sense if you consider the work of the famous scientific researchers, Sylvester and Tweety.

Of course, the greatest threat of bird flu will come if the virus mutates itself to pass from human to human. Then it won’t be enough to boycott the Chicken Tenders at Colonel Sanders or replace the annual Thanksgiving Turkey with the pilgrim’s second favorite food, the Reuben sandwich. Once mutation has occurred, the virus will be able to pass through your office as easily as a rumor about outsourcing your department to Bangalore.

Unfortunately, staying healthy at the office is not easy. Just ask Dr. Charles Gerba of the University of Arizona who conducts studies on germs in the office (the teeny-tiny type germs. We’re not talking about your supervisor here.)

In previous studies, Gerba has found that an infected person can leave a “trail of viruses” on every surface they touch—viruses that can survive up to three days. Three days! In that much time, a virus can not only make you sick, but take over your job, cash in your 401(k), and set sail for Hawaii.

In his latest study, the Dr. Gerba has determined which professions are the “germiest.” Accountants are the germ-fest winners, no doubt because their jobs are so exciting and glamorous. Interestingly, attorneys rank the lowest in germiness, probably because no self-respected germ would want to be seen with a lawyer.

If law school isn’t an option, you may be asking what you can do to protect yourself against bird flu and the myriad of other dangerous illness that can occur at the workplace, like TBS – Terminal Boredom Syndrome – and a general loss of the will to live. Here are few tips from Doctor Bob:

1. Wear a face mask.

It’s more than Japanese chic. It’s a great way to freak out your fellow co-workers and best of all, it will keep you from having to speak up in meetings. Just raise your hand and say “Mmmf-ugh-er-mumblegurb-gurl-murf-erg.” Your boss will love you for participating and everyone will think you’re a genius.

2. Avoid the coffee room refrigerator

Scientists at the National Institutes of Health are trying to recreate the bird flu virus in a controlled situation because, after all, what else do they have to do? But not even the sickest and slickest scientific laboratory can equal the cauldron of infection that is the coffee room frig. There are germs in that biohazard hot zone that would bring down King Kong. If you must use the office Kelvinator to store your lunch, be sure to use the universal antidote – Ranch Dressing. That stuff can kill any virus.

3. No more chicken sushi

According to scientists it is no longer safe to eat raw chicken. This is bad news for those of you who liked to nibble on a raw boneless breast as a mid-morning energy boost, or lick a raw, frozen, chocolate-covered thigh for an afternoon treat.

4. The parrot has to go

Sorry, but your health comes first. The good news is that cooked parrot is perfectly safe. Too bad you’ve spent so much time training it to say “Good boss. Brilliant boss. Polly wants a raise.”