Work Daze

If you’ve been waiting for me to approve of your office affair, wait no longer. I’m signing off on smoldering passion in the cube farm. In fact, indulging in a steamy, sizzling office romance is the third of the three reasons for going to work that I can wholeheartedly endorse. (No. 2 is money and No. 1 is the free luncheon smorgasbord available in the office fridge to the lawless and the stealthy.)

Apparently, I am not alone in my passion for passion. According to a very scientific survey conducted by the libidinous cupids at simplyfired.com, intra-office romances are so common they are virtually part of your job description.

It’s true! More than 35 percent of people have fantasized about a co-worker, according to the statistical love bugs. And while it is not revealed if these fantasies include daydreams about boiling the boss in a pot of Campbell’s Chunky Clam Chowder, it certainly suggests that when we’re dealing with people as good-looking as I and thee, a goodly percentage of our co-workers are right at this moment dreaming about us in the role of workplace plaything.

(How many actually act on their fantasies is less clear from the survey, but there is one astounding statistic. Sixteen percent of men and 7 percent of women reported having sex in the office. What we are to make of these numbers is not 100 percent clear. I’m no math genius, but by my calculations, 9 percent of that 16 percent do not have partners. So they are either making love to themselves or are somehow involved in a serious relationship with the office fax machine. Or the men are lying. Nah, that would never happen.)

As a result of its survey activity, simplyfired.com came up with guidelines for regulating office romances. Give me your hand and we’ll review the top three together.

1. Know the rules

Bravo for your fantasy about the new office manager dispensing paper clips while covered head to toe in latex and leather, but before you act on this flight of fancy, the experts suggest that you check your employee handbook to see if your company sanctions inter-office dating. May I add that since you are considering a romance with the office manager, you also check the policy on inter-species dating. This is also important when considering canoodling with marketing, sales and human resources.

2. Know your co-worker

The experts suggest that you research your love interest before declaring your intentions. I’m down with the standard forms of investigation, like hiring a private detective to stalk your co-worker or installing video surveillance equipment in their bedroom. But I believe that a true romantic would and should follow their heart. That’s why I suggest you arrive at the doorway to your true love’s cube carrying a dozen red roses and wearing nothing but a thong. If there’s a negative reaction, you’ll know that he or she doesn’t like roses.

3. Date up, not down

Now here is advice that I can endorse. Why spend your romantic energy on a loser like yourself or, heaven forbid, someone even lower on the corporate totem pole. To date down is incredibly limiting—who can be in a worse job than you? On the other hand, if you date upward, you can immediately increase your visibility (note use of thong in rule No. 2 above.) Of course, some people feel that if a romance with a boss goes sour it can hurt their career, but that’s poppycock. A morganatic relationship between office royalty and the peasant class puts all the power in the hands of the peasant. Just whisper in your king or queen’s ear this classic love poem:

How do I love thee?
The question is moot.
My lawyers are filing
A sexual harassment lawsuit.

Going back to the survey, we learn that 7 percent of men and 11 percent of women have taken my advice and had a fling with a superior. I’m sure the real numbers are much higher, but who in their right minds would admit to dating a boss? Frankly, these boss-daters deserve the perks and promotions they invariably receive. It’s bad enough working for our bosses; I can’t imagine the agony of actually having to cuddle up to them.

In the end, I suggest that fantasizing about a co-worker is an excellent way to spend your time at work, but do think twice before acting on these fantasies. An office love affair may appear exciting, but if you ask me, it just seems like too much work.