Work Daze

Come on, people! I recently recommended cosmetic surgery as a simple step to career success and what do I see—the very same unlifted faces and untucked tummies. Is it any wonder you’re going nowhere in a nowhere job? If you won’t at least go under the scalpel to get over your stalled career, is there anything I can do for you?

As it happens, there is.

People too scared or too stingy for plastic surgery can still improve their looks and their job prospects by putting themselves in the sterilized and stylish hands of an image consultant. According to a recent article in The Wall Street Journal, there are more than 1,500 image consultants plying their curious trade in the U.S. today, compared to a measly 1,000 fashion gurus in 2004.

Spurred on by the success of television shows like “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” and “Fashion Emergency,” the image consultants are doing a landmark business, charging their clients from $100 to $250 an hour to criticize their clothes, mock their makeup, and harass their hairstyles.

The image consultant racket is not just for women, either. Big, brawny macho men like thee and me are also putting their closets in the hands of wardrobe experts who blithely recommend leather pants to turn preppies into pop stars and sleek Italian footwear to make nerds natty.

“Many people who hire these services do it for career reasons,” explains Marion Gellatly, president of the Association of Image Consultants International. Makes sense to me. The old adage of “dress British, think Yiddish” may not work for everyone in our fast-paced, media-savvy business world. One style no longer fits all when it comes to business today, and that Brooks Brothers lawyer type might look a lot hotter appearing on “Court TV” if he dressed like an Isley Brother instead.

While an initial consultation with a style swami may set you back only a couple of thousand simoleans, be prepared to spend megabucks on executing the plan. If a firm like Empowerment Enterprises of Austin, Texas, or Impression Pros of Miami, Florida, decides that the best way to stand out in your career as a bank loan officer is to adopt the pimp-daddy look of a major rap star, you’ll need to shell out big-time for a floor-length leopard skin coat and mink knee-high boots. But you’ll definitely be noticed, so it will be worth it, at least until the bank examiners show up. After an audit, you won’t have to worry about your wardrobe. Prison blue goes with everything and it’s very slimming.

If you suspect your image is holding you back, but are still reluctant to ring up an image consultant, I will provide a few useful tips that, if followed to the T-shirt, should move you up the ladder far enough that you can afford full-time professional help.

1. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

Take a look at management in your firm. What do they do? Not much of anything, really, except loaf and look confident. Prove that you can fit right in with the contemplative, laid-back management style by showing up for work tomorrow in a plush, baby blue, 100 percent cotton chenille robe with matching pj’s and fluffy bunny slippers. Curl up in a corner of your cubical and when people ask what you’re doing, just tell them the truth. You’re not daydreaming, you’re visioning.

2. Casual doesn’t cut it.

Workplaces have gone from casual Friday to casual everyday. Few men wear ties anymore and if a woman is wearing heels, chances are she’s also wearing jeans. If you want to stand out from the crowd, you’ll have to drown that J. Crew catalog and find a unique style, appropriate to your career goals. For example, if you’re in the financial area, a stud-encrusted leather catsuit with matching S/M collar will prove to management that you are serious about enforcing the rules for expense accounts.

3. Hide in plain sight.

For workers who are concerned about job cutbacks and plant closings, the best solution is head-to-toe camouflage gear. Replace that boring blazer with a camo hunting jacket, nine-pocket pants, and a ranger hat. You might feel silly, but think of the advantages. After all, if they can’t see you, they can’t fire you. (Note to all employees in the office of Vice President Dick Cheney. In your job, this strategy may have its drawbacks.)