Work Daze

For those readers sufficiently fortunate to have my photo printed with the text of this column, I know what you are thinking—a person this movie-star handsome must have had lots of plastic surgery.

Believe it or not, I have yet to have any major work done. Beyond a simple forehead lift, chin and cheekbone implants, eyelid enhancement, collagen lip injections, nose reconstruction, hair transplants, chemical dermabrasion and laser facial resurfacing, I am virtually the same person I was when I started in this business, some three hundred and fifty years ago.

Or so it feels. Being the beloved elder statesman in the workplace has its advantages, but getting big fat raises and skyrocket promotions are not part of it. Perhaps that’s why so many of us are spending our excess cash in procedures that will mitigate the effects of our excess years.

According to the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, the number of plastic surgery procedures and injections increased 34 percent between 2002 and 2004. In 2004, the academy reported, 22 percent of men and 15 percent of women who sought plastic surgery did so for “work-related reasons.”

(Like paying for the costs of their surgery jones, I suspect. The surgery academy also reported that in 2004 the average cost of a face-lift in the United States was $6,505; a brow lift, $3,439; and Botox injections, $441 a visit. And it’s probably even more expensive if you, like thrifty little me, don’t get your work done at Home Depot.)

This boom of cosmetic surgery in the workplace has caught the attention of The New York Times, which recently published a breathless article on the phenomenon. Frankly, after all our years of bowing and scraping, are we really surprised by the positive effect of a little slicing and dicing?

It’s a rule of the business jungle: good-looking people go further, faster. If you haven’t seen it yourself, in your company or in your mirror, a Harvard study cited by The Times concluded there is a “sizable beauty premium” in the labor market. And according to the University of Texas, “men and women with above-average looks receive a pay premium, while workers with below-average looks receive a pay penalty.”

The lesson here is clear. If you’re just starting out in your career, instead of paying a fortune for a name-brand education, use that money to buy name-brand cosmetics. Yale and Princeton look nice on the resume, but you’ll go further with a degree from Revlon and Lancome.

Of course, for older workers, drugstore remedies may no longer be sufficient to do—or save—the job. I can’t tell you exactly the right age to go under the knife, but if you’re not a vice president by the time you’re 35, I’d say it’s time to empty your 401(k) and take a number of your neighborhood doc in the box. (That doc is likely to have extended hours for your convenience, by the way. Some are even open on Saturdays to sandblast clients who can’t get away during the workweek.)

While I wholeheartedly endorse surgery as a way to get ahead in the workplace, objective journalistic standards demand that I throw a caveat or two in your path to the Brad Pitt cheekbones or Lisa Rinna lips that we know will turbocharge your career. According to one surgery consultant, an ultra-tight face-lift or too much collagen pumped into your lips could “cause your career investment to backfire.”

“When you get back, it can become water cooler talk,” the consultant rightly suggests. But is that a bad thing? It’s tough to be promoted if no one notices you, and if having lips the size of Frisbees brings you to the attention of management, I say—go for it.

If you do decide to hide your adventures, face the fact that you will be limited in the procedures you can accomplish. The recovery time for a full face-lift is well beyond the meager two-week vacation most companies dole out. You may want to invent a reason for staying out of the office, like going into rehab for a drug or drinking problem. This never seems to hurt movie stars, and you can explain your addiction problems by your fanatical commitment to your job. Remember: a face-lift also lifts your spirits, and with a chemical dependency and a chemical peel, it will be clear to everyone that when it comes to selecting executive material, you are strikingly beautiful.